Again, the sucking.
Two weekends ago, Bogey the boyfriend was taking one of the myriad of practice exams he has available to him as a student of the medical sciences and this one happened to be covering their psychology section. He called me over when he was done cringing at his score (which was awesome because he's so damn smart), and had me read one of the questions that went something like "you have a friend named John. John often gets very stressed out. So stressed out that he actually doesn't get any of his work done..." So I'm reading this and he's watching me for my reaction and I just start laughing because a test question has never summed me up so well--If only my name were John. The answer to this question was something called "generalized anxiety disorder" (should I capitalize that? But my Chicago Style Manual is so... far... away...) (and I just... don't... care...). Anyways. I know this most likely isn't something I have, but it made me realize just how desperately we all want to have an explanation for why things are the way they are as a way of comforting ourselves. Obviously I've run into this often enough throughout my life, as we all have: "I stubbed my toe because the dog barked and startled me,I wasn't being clumsy," and "I got a bad grade because the teacher obviously doesn't like me, not because I didn't do the reading," and "I cried to Titanic so hard because I was PMSing, that was totally out of my control," and of course, "I've had a bad week, it's okay to eat five candy bars because I feel like shit." This stuff happens a lot. Especially that last one there, I'm certainly a stress eater. If there were chocolate in my house right now, I'd somehow find a way to eat it and type at the same time.
Either way, we make these excuses to make us feel better temporarily. But that's not going to work in the real world--I can't tell myself it's someone or something else's fault to make myself feel better. I've had a lot of practice taking on deserved blame too, but it's just so hard. Excuses and procrastination are toxic. For the majority of the semester, I've felt like I was slipping down a vast hole, possibly a sarlacc pit. (From Star Wars. The pit. Come on guys, the one with the snake that ate Boba Fett...? Fine! Don't appreciate the nerdiness I went through to use that. And make sure I spelled it correctly.)
BUT TODAY my friends, I WON! I beat procrastination's ass! (And still slid in last week's Game of Thrones episode! Whee!) I paid my bills, pumped air into my always-deflating bike tires, got my birth control (yes, I'm a modern young woman who has been with the same dude for two and a half years. And I'm 24. Got a problem? Go away.) I also spent time in a Starbucks on this absolutely gorgeous spring day, drinking coffee and catching up on an assigned novel I have to write a response to. Granted, I didn't get the response written, but I did write a thesis for the 3-4 page paper that will exist by tomorrow's class time. I also ate something green! An improvement, believe me, Bogey'd be proud.
All in all, a successful day. And it just FEELS so much better than excuses and procrastination do. So now, I'm going to have some much deserved Tumblr time before the Bogey pre-bedtime phone chat (we're long-distance, but not for long!) and possibly attempt to cuddle my cuddle-hating kitty. Now if only the neighbors upstairs would stop sounding like dinosaurs and hippos rearranging their furniture like they do every single goddamn night. I wish slamming on the ceiling with a broom worked, like in the movies, because I'd be doing that right now. And eating chocolate if I had any. Thanks for the ramble-times.
Things I have seen/watched/read/listened to that are influencing me now:
- Motorcycles and Sweetgrass by Drew Hayden Taylor
- Brave soundtrack
- sunny days
- downtown Indianapolis
- chucks
- ninja turtle t-shirts
- Little 500 in Bloomington, IN--the greatest college weekend in existence (next post all about that hopefully)
- "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
- "Parks and Recreation"
- Mumford and Sons
- Birdy
- Emeli sande
- "Downton Abbey"
- "Game of Thrones" (show)
- cello music in the hallways of my apartment
- Starbucks
- bike riding
- tea
- caramel macchiatos
- Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron soundtrack
- Native American culture, myths, and authors
- Reel Injun documentary
- Sherman Alexie
- Animorphs (Yes, the book series. We can get into that nerdiness later too.)
- Bloomington
- Yats (food)
- bad pizza
- cover bands
- dancing
- Little 5 spontaneous adventures (ours this year involving a few mile's walk, a grocery cart, and alcoholic gummy bears.)
- good sleep
- skirts and floral prints
- my own writing
- almost done.
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