From the desk of... not the intern's desk bc THE COMPUTER's BEEN BROKEN FOR DAYS

Hey. So. You know when life throws you curve balls? Like right in your face? I live in a moderately sized city--Indianapolis, IN is the 13th largest city in the US after Jacksonville, FL and before San Francisco, CA (information courtesy of Wikipedia). Go us. Either way, it's a 30 minute drive from downtown to the suburbs before you factor in traffic during rush hours. I live downtown right next to the IUPUI campus (that's two-university campus right there. Indiana University and Purdue University, mortal enemies at best, decided to team up and create tons of campuses. The only PU majors are in the sciences and mathematics, everything else is IU). We live there because it's near the main IU Med School campus where Bogey attends. I got an internship 45 minutes away and drive to and from every day--which sucks--but what sucks more is when the med school tells Bogey his next rotation's location 3 days before it starts and the location is 86th St. at a hospital located there. I'm at 96th St. Doesn't sound like a problem? Just wait. We have 1 car, Bogey's car which I use to get to my 8-5 job. This surgery rotation's hours are going to be basically anytime ever-- 6 am to 3 pm to 4 pm to 9 pm to midnight... he has on call days etc. His friend went through the ringer at another hospital during his surgery rotation. So we had 3 days to figure out how to get me to my work with set hours so he could use the car. I think we might instead just wing it for 4 weeks.

Fun.

But I'll do it. Because I love him. It's an adventure right? It's all an adventure.

I probably won't be saying that if I have to drive him to the hospital at 5 am, but there it is.

Photo of the Day:

"Not now Aunt Em... I'll get the eggs, don't worry!"

Book of the Day: 

I'm obsessed with Cassandra Clare's novels. When the first ones came out, The Mortal Instruments (it's first installment City of Bones will be out in theaters in August!!!!) I blew through them, but not as fast as I read The Infernal Devices, which are a prequel to the present day TMI. Instead, TID's novels are set in Victorian London, with werewolves and vampires and warlocks and shadowhunters, part human part angel fighters of evil. Clare weaves this underground world of magical creatures and good and evil through the gritty present day NYC (in TMI) and dirty, historical London so beautifully that alone hurts my heart. And then the characters and heartbreak and the unrequited love... well, fuck. I finished this last night, tears in my eyes and made my bf, who has no idea really what the books are about, hug me for 5 minutes straight. He was a good sport about it thanks god.

Group who rocks of the day: Pentatonix

Aren't they cute? Here are my two favorite videos found today:

"The Wizard of Ahhhs" By Pentatonix and Todrick Hall (both have Youtubes btw, and you should check them out!)

"The Evolution of Music" by Pentatonix. This one is just fun. :)

They also have a Radioactive by Imagine Dragons cover with Lindsay Sterling, the cutest dancing violinist I ever did see and it's amazing.

Quote of the Day:

And with that thought, I'll be leaving to get back to actual work I'm supposed to be paid for.
:)

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July 12, 2013: From the borrowed desk of intern extraordinaire...

Video and Song of the day:

Phildel "Storm Song" --Utterly beautiful and haunting... a little bit of Enya's haunting and magical melodies, a little bit of Ingrid Michaelson's singer/songwriter cuteness, a little bit of awesome. Just gorgeous. Artist of the Day: Bruno Walpoth  (http://www.walpoth.com/) Just awesome.

Most Money I've spent of the Day: 159$ on Holiday World tickets. Bullshit. Except I'm hoping they're worth it because this place has these:

I'm just sad to have parted with so much paycheck the same day I got it.

WOOHOO!

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Of the days...

I would like to start doing this:

Song  & Video of the Day: Ed Sheeran "Give Me Love":

I can't stop listening to it! And it's a GORGEOUS video featuring Isabel Lucas (actress).

Picture of the Day:

Because I would like to be there now. Simple as that.

Quote of the Day:

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This is how you Adult...

Growing up, you look at your parents and they're ADULT. They're GROWNUP. But how did they get that way? My mom would tell me she had he first beer at 16 and she went to frat parties in college, but here she is, getting up at 6 am to enjoy her coffee and eat breakfast, day after day after day, sending us off to school and wearing heels. And my father, he WAS a frat boy, for a time. But when I was little, he wore suits and had a beer belly and meetings... how did they get to where they were?

I think as a kid, and a teenager, you have this perception that adults have everything figured out because they take care of you and they know things you don't. But the truth is, they're often making it up as they go along. I would freak out at the idea of having a child when I was younger--18, 19-- knowing I didn't have the know-how yet to do that. The thing is, I won't until it's happening. Which is how you learn to manage money and buy a house and pay bills. Everyone figures it out as they go along, but growing up, that's something I could never have comprehended or guessed at.

And I'm sure my mother had this realization, and maybe even my grandmother or grandfather. But this is mine. This is it. My closet is changing from t-shirts and jeans and chucks to flats and heels and slacks and khakis and dressy tops. My boyfriend's side is morphing from tie-dye tees and ironic Woot t-shirts to dress shirts and ties and polos. Our alarms go off before 8 a.m. I use a tank of gas a week to get to work when I have been riding a bike or a bus or my own two feet for 5 years. I am able to watch 1, maybe 2 hour-long episodes of TV a night. Not of my shows, mind you, but ones both Bogey and I are watching because that's the only time we have to hang out. Due to evening time constraints, I also only get to read for about an hour a night, a book I would probably read in one sitting because I'm so into it. I haven't even found time to go in my study room and write. I used to spend hours sitting in front of my computer, on tumblr, then youtube, doing whatever I wanted, then writing. But there's no time to dillydally. If I want to write, I can't wait for the inspiration, I have to schedule it in and just do it. But I haven't. Inside, I feel like my creative energy, my storylines and ideas are bottled up, fizzing under the surface like raw energy, just waiting to be used but I can't bring myself to find the time. I think I'm so attached to my old life still, the time and the non-structure of it, that I can't bring myself to give up TV or reading or any one thing, but it's my writing that is getting hurt worst because I come home and that would be the ideal time to write--6 p.m. or so, but instead, Bogey's there and I want to see him, so we flop on the couch and watch TV and soon, it's 8 p.m. and I'm not feeling it anymore. I don't know how to make it work. I'm changing and how I function in every day life is changing and I feel like I'm trying to grasp at grains of sand that are slipping through my fingers because I'm not sure I'm ready to live this way. This rigid schedule and zero time for anything and this eating healthy business and the 8-5 job with morning traffic commute and I just feel like I'm spiraling sometimes!!!

And I do spiral. All I've been able to focus on this week is how much I hate the commute. How much I'm starting to dislike my job. How much I'm not writing, which I then internalize and start being angry at myself. I'm afraid this unhappiness is going to spread. The thing is, this place might hire me full time at the end of the internship in August. With that, comes PTO and possibly benefits. I'd be stupid not to take it. But what if I start hating my life? What if I never find time to WRITE?? Writing is my life, my being, my breathing and thinking, all day all the time, my brain is always imagining parts of a story. It's what makes me feel alive.

When I get too focused on something I'm unhappy about, I fail to see the big picture. My life will not always be like this. This will not be my career. And someday, I'll get to the point where I'm at a job I love, because I know myself and I know I won't stop until that's true. I will find time to write because if I don't, I'll die or explode and I'm not willing for that to happen. I'm only 24. My life is just beginning. I repeat these things and try not to think that the author of Divergent is 24 too, that Emma Stone is a year younger than me, that my good friend LP is in LA making clothing lines and being in music videos and modeling. I just need to focus on me. I know better than anyone that everyone has a different timeline in their paths of life.

So. I'm becoming an adult. I still squeal about Disney movies and cry to Doctor Who, and eat popsicles, but I also I wear slacks to work and drink 2 cups of coffee a day, and work 8-5 and I don't even have time to color my hair, let alone read a magazine for fun. But I am functioning. And life will get better.

Today I will go home. And I will either run with my bf and then shower and eat and then write, or I will go write and then do the following activities. But I will write. And if I can do that, just for an hour even, I will have succeeded for the day.

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Surviving...

Obviously, keeping up with this did not happen as beautifully as I had envisioned. Since I've been away I have

1. Started my new job at a billion-dollar company, a real estate agency, where I create things in the marketing department for brokers, etc.
2. Moved in with my boyfriend.
3. Created a real home-type space with painted walls, hung art, plants, and the smell of cooking every night.
4. Experienced one of the coldest June/Julys ever. I mean, it was 68 degrees this morning in Indianapolis.Last year, we had a fireworks ban at this time last year because it was so hot and dry.
5. Attempted to figure out how to find time to do stuff. Bogey's 3rd year consists of M-Sat rotations at various hospitals in different specialities. He could go anywhere from 4 pm to 9 pm. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. I work 8-5 with a 30-45 minute drive through rush hour traffic. I get home at 6 and want to accomplish eating, hanging with the bf, cooking, working out, reading, writing, cleaning, and hopefully watching an episode of TV. Oh and showering is important too, especially if I managed to work out--BUT I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. For instance, today, instead of working out, we ate dinner bc I got home late bc I went to Target. After that, we just watched Copper bc why not? it's already 8pm. Then shower, then an episode of Doctor Who, and then Bogey goes to bed at 10 or earlier bc rounds start at 6 (or earlier). I haven't been writing. I used to write every day multiple times a day, in different stories. My creativity is screaming.
6. Went to Ireland for 10 days with Bogey's family. IT WAS AWESOME. I want to the UK when I was 14 for 21 days, but it was a whirlwind and I was young. This was amazing and I was incredibly lucky to get to go.

All of these things I wish to write more about because they have been adventures in themselves. But what prompted me to stop feeling guilty about not writing on here and start again is today, I had a moment.

Now, I have these sometimes--it's when I just kinda become a shitty person (my words). I am selfish and I can't control my anger. I fly off the handle and I get defensive over little things and argue without thinking. I have a major chip on my shoulder and daddy issues and my father's anger. I have low self-confidence and get depressed easily. When something goes bad, I focus on it, start thinking things are impossible, and spiral. Red, hot, sometimes blinding anger. I also get less articulate the angrier I get, of course. All of these thing I HATE about myself. And when the right mood strikes, I become a les-than-fun person to be around. Bogey and I were simply talking about how I was going to ask my step-father to possibly get on his phone plan because mine is crazy expensive. He, Bogey, my beautiful bf is so goddamn levelheaded, sometimes I hate him for it! He's so calm and collected, thinking everything out, responding to me in the perfect way, giving helpful advice and criticism in turn. He was giving me advice to stop and think if the step dad acted weird about the idea (his sons haven't been kind to his pocketbook in these same situations). I have no intention of letting him pay it of course, I'm 24 and getting paid very well right now. Bogey was telling me to not get defensive, but to keep calm, rationalize, and respond to him if he brought up his sons or mine or anything that I would normally get defensive about. I ended up arguing with him, saying "I know, I know, I know," like he was a nagging mother, getting defensive WITH HIM. Soon, I was thinking about all the horrible things about myself and I just said I hated myself out loud because I couldn't stand how a conversation about keeping calm had ended up with me judging me self-worth again based on all my failings in the past to act like a logical, sweet, smart, nice human being instead of a little shit. And what did my boyfriend do? He just told me he loved me, kissed me, and exited gracefully. I took a shower and met him in the living room and stated "I'm sorry (which I generally say about every 2 minutes in these types of situations) and I'm just plain effing crazy. I'm sorry." And he just looked at me and said "But you're my crazy."

I swear, the more repulsive I think I am the more he loves me. It's all I can do to not think about what if the scales become imbalanced someday, what if the crazy mood swings and immature behavior and bad self-image get to him... But I revel in the fact that they don't. It's glorious. He's amazing. I don't honestly know what I'd do without him. 

We've had tons of friends get married over the past few years, it's just that time of our lives, but now until I moved in with Bogey a month and a half ago did people start talking about us as getting married in the future, asking about when and etc. It literally did not happen until this year, and now our friends say it like they're stating it's 2013. My mother's been going on for a year or more, but the rest of the people who know us have joined her bandwagon. I always tell her to stop because she'll jinx it. I'm so afraid of this getting jinxed. But I find that now, I accept it too, in the back of my mind, which is surprising to me. I mean, it's not like I'm one of those child-of-divorce kids who hates love and doesn't believe in marriage and blah blah blah. I want love and I want a white picket fence and I want pinterest shit on my walls and I want babies to love with a better father than I had. But I've been through enough awful crap to be tentative and careful. It's kept me from admitting things until they're not just on the horizon, but ten feet from my face. And I'm okay with that. It's been a walk in the park actually, we've never discussed anything before I felt ready to. He said I love you first and suggested a future home we might have first and I have always followed his lead. I trust that lead. I trust it with my life.

Guess that's good, seeing as I find myself daydreaming sometimes about him loving me until we're old. 

But that's enough for tonight. Hopefully I'm back. Because this is pretty fun :)

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