Surviving...

Obviously, keeping up with this did not happen as beautifully as I had envisioned. Since I've been away I have

1. Started my new job at a billion-dollar company, a real estate agency, where I create things in the marketing department for brokers, etc.
2. Moved in with my boyfriend.
3. Created a real home-type space with painted walls, hung art, plants, and the smell of cooking every night.
4. Experienced one of the coldest June/Julys ever. I mean, it was 68 degrees this morning in Indianapolis.Last year, we had a fireworks ban at this time last year because it was so hot and dry.
5. Attempted to figure out how to find time to do stuff. Bogey's 3rd year consists of M-Sat rotations at various hospitals in different specialities. He could go anywhere from 4 pm to 9 pm. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. I work 8-5 with a 30-45 minute drive through rush hour traffic. I get home at 6 and want to accomplish eating, hanging with the bf, cooking, working out, reading, writing, cleaning, and hopefully watching an episode of TV. Oh and showering is important too, especially if I managed to work out--BUT I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. For instance, today, instead of working out, we ate dinner bc I got home late bc I went to Target. After that, we just watched Copper bc why not? it's already 8pm. Then shower, then an episode of Doctor Who, and then Bogey goes to bed at 10 or earlier bc rounds start at 6 (or earlier). I haven't been writing. I used to write every day multiple times a day, in different stories. My creativity is screaming.
6. Went to Ireland for 10 days with Bogey's family. IT WAS AWESOME. I want to the UK when I was 14 for 21 days, but it was a whirlwind and I was young. This was amazing and I was incredibly lucky to get to go.

All of these things I wish to write more about because they have been adventures in themselves. But what prompted me to stop feeling guilty about not writing on here and start again is today, I had a moment.

Now, I have these sometimes--it's when I just kinda become a shitty person (my words). I am selfish and I can't control my anger. I fly off the handle and I get defensive over little things and argue without thinking. I have a major chip on my shoulder and daddy issues and my father's anger. I have low self-confidence and get depressed easily. When something goes bad, I focus on it, start thinking things are impossible, and spiral. Red, hot, sometimes blinding anger. I also get less articulate the angrier I get, of course. All of these thing I HATE about myself. And when the right mood strikes, I become a les-than-fun person to be around. Bogey and I were simply talking about how I was going to ask my step-father to possibly get on his phone plan because mine is crazy expensive. He, Bogey, my beautiful bf is so goddamn levelheaded, sometimes I hate him for it! He's so calm and collected, thinking everything out, responding to me in the perfect way, giving helpful advice and criticism in turn. He was giving me advice to stop and think if the step dad acted weird about the idea (his sons haven't been kind to his pocketbook in these same situations). I have no intention of letting him pay it of course, I'm 24 and getting paid very well right now. Bogey was telling me to not get defensive, but to keep calm, rationalize, and respond to him if he brought up his sons or mine or anything that I would normally get defensive about. I ended up arguing with him, saying "I know, I know, I know," like he was a nagging mother, getting defensive WITH HIM. Soon, I was thinking about all the horrible things about myself and I just said I hated myself out loud because I couldn't stand how a conversation about keeping calm had ended up with me judging me self-worth again based on all my failings in the past to act like a logical, sweet, smart, nice human being instead of a little shit. And what did my boyfriend do? He just told me he loved me, kissed me, and exited gracefully. I took a shower and met him in the living room and stated "I'm sorry (which I generally say about every 2 minutes in these types of situations) and I'm just plain effing crazy. I'm sorry." And he just looked at me and said "But you're my crazy."

I swear, the more repulsive I think I am the more he loves me. It's all I can do to not think about what if the scales become imbalanced someday, what if the crazy mood swings and immature behavior and bad self-image get to him... But I revel in the fact that they don't. It's glorious. He's amazing. I don't honestly know what I'd do without him. 

We've had tons of friends get married over the past few years, it's just that time of our lives, but now until I moved in with Bogey a month and a half ago did people start talking about us as getting married in the future, asking about when and etc. It literally did not happen until this year, and now our friends say it like they're stating it's 2013. My mother's been going on for a year or more, but the rest of the people who know us have joined her bandwagon. I always tell her to stop because she'll jinx it. I'm so afraid of this getting jinxed. But I find that now, I accept it too, in the back of my mind, which is surprising to me. I mean, it's not like I'm one of those child-of-divorce kids who hates love and doesn't believe in marriage and blah blah blah. I want love and I want a white picket fence and I want pinterest shit on my walls and I want babies to love with a better father than I had. But I've been through enough awful crap to be tentative and careful. It's kept me from admitting things until they're not just on the horizon, but ten feet from my face. And I'm okay with that. It's been a walk in the park actually, we've never discussed anything before I felt ready to. He said I love you first and suggested a future home we might have first and I have always followed his lead. I trust that lead. I trust it with my life.

Guess that's good, seeing as I find myself daydreaming sometimes about him loving me until we're old. 

But that's enough for tonight. Hopefully I'm back. Because this is pretty fun :)